Coming to terms (in russian)

I know now, or I finally accepted: he's not coming back. Still, I don't think I'm ready to watch "500 days of summer". I have enough with "End of May" by Michael Buble: right now I'm at "done with feeling" and "stopping the pain from healing". I will get there I guess. I always do.

The sun will raise from time to time

So I've been thinking back and forth about writing this next blog cause my initial plan is not working... kinda. I talked about giving up and benching and had it done with everything, but I cannot seem to get on that ride... or at least not yet. I don't know. I still held hope deep inside. Maybe I need to work harder on becoming a cold hearted hatch? Who does that? Can you become a bitter person by choice? really? I still don't think I will have another shot at love; cause is so Goddamn exhausting and hard!!! But then I see the rest of the 6 billion humans doing it so easy! (hooking up I mean) so I don't have another choice than to think I am the one with the problem. So I'm pretty confused right now. I was ready for giving up, and now, is not that I'm not sure, it's just that there's a part of me that refuses to enter that new "mode". I did give up a lot of things from that big list I made (not worth mentioning, I guess I'm already pretty pathetic right?) and I guess the first leg of my trip to Chicago prove that right: It took me 2 days and 5 flights to get to O'hare last week due to thunderstorms. I was not expecting anything from that trip, except of course getting to know the windy city. Instead, I flew all over (Ft Lauderdale to Dallas to Cincinnati to Chicago) witness how powerful a friend can be, broke into tears to someone was expecting a completely different reaction from me (all those airport visit I did it without my luggage, that actually made it on time to Chicago: Tuesday at 9:30 a.m) helped a mommy with a barf bag landing at Dallas. AND I bought a Banana Republic dress on 60% off at Ft Lauderdale (at least I made it to O'hare wearing different clothes), prevented my luggage to end up in Detroit (guess 15 years working with Logistics and airlines paid off) and expending $450 in Victoria' Secret underwear. I also got to meet me amazing host, his darling boyfriend and saw a side of one of my friends that honestly, gave me much relief (I may tell you about that someday)
Rat holing for a second here.
So my point is, I almost entirely enjoy that trip, a lot of insecurities surface but I was able to sunk 'em down real quick. Maybe was because I made this trip thinking this was my last real "vacation" before going into business for good.
Still I think I did not put a lot of effort on it and, felt kind of nice to tell you the truth.
The only think I was afraid of was coming back to reality.
But time flies and Shakira sings that, when at least expected, the sun will raise.
I hear that song on the radio today while I was pulling the car out to but some Froyo's Cherry Garcia, and tears came to my eyes... When? Darn it! WHEN????
When would that day be?
Oh just part of my annoying flaw of wanting to have everything under control. -According to the Russian-
My best friend found a new job after 6 months of being on a forced vacations, he told me on msn while I was waiting to board the plane back to CR. That's good news. We'll now all the details tomorrow.
I wanna be able to look in the mirror just once.
And I'm sorry Henry Miller, but I promise I'll do my best to FORGET MYSELF.