7/10/2011
Coming to terms (in russian)
I know now, or I finally accepted: he's not coming back. Still, I don't think I'm ready to watch "500 days of summer". I have enough with "End of May" by Michael Buble: right now I'm at "done with feeling" and "stopping the pain from healing". I will get there I guess. I always do.
7/01/2011
The sun will raise from time to time
So I've been thinking back and forth about writing this next blog cause my initial plan is not working... kinda. I talked about giving up and benching and had it done with everything, but I cannot seem to get on that ride... or at least not yet. I don't know. I still held hope deep inside. Maybe I need to work harder on becoming a cold hearted hatch? Who does that? Can you become a bitter person by choice? really? I still don't think I will have another shot at love; cause is so Goddamn exhausting and hard!!! But then I see the rest of the 6 billion humans doing it so easy! (hooking up I mean) so I don't have another choice than to think I am the one with the problem. So I'm pretty confused right now. I was ready for giving up, and now, is not that I'm not sure, it's just that there's a part of me that refuses to enter that new "mode". I did give up a lot of things from that big list I made (not worth mentioning, I guess I'm already pretty pathetic right?) and I guess the first leg of my trip to Chicago prove that right: It took me 2 days and 5 flights to get to O'hare last week due to thunderstorms. I was not expecting anything from that trip, except of course getting to know the windy city. Instead, I flew all over (Ft Lauderdale to Dallas to Cincinnati to Chicago) witness how powerful a friend can be, broke into tears to someone was expecting a completely different reaction from me (all those airport visit I did it without my luggage, that actually made it on time to Chicago: Tuesday at 9:30 a.m) helped a mommy with a barf bag landing at Dallas. AND I bought a Banana Republic dress on 60% off at Ft Lauderdale (at least I made it to O'hare wearing different clothes), prevented my luggage to end up in Detroit (guess 15 years working with Logistics and airlines paid off) and expending $450 in Victoria' Secret underwear. I also got to meet me amazing host, his darling boyfriend and saw a side of one of my friends that honestly, gave me much relief (I may tell you about that someday)
Rat holing for a second here.
So my point is, I almost entirely enjoy that trip, a lot of insecurities surface but I was able to sunk 'em down real quick. Maybe was because I made this trip thinking this was my last real "vacation" before going into business for good.
Still I think I did not put a lot of effort on it and, felt kind of nice to tell you the truth.
The only think I was afraid of was coming back to reality.
But time flies and Shakira sings that, when at least expected, the sun will raise.
I hear that song on the radio today while I was pulling the car out to but some Froyo's Cherry Garcia, and tears came to my eyes... When? Darn it! WHEN????
When would that day be?
Oh just part of my annoying flaw of wanting to have everything under control. -According to the Russian-
My best friend found a new job after 6 months of being on a forced vacations, he told me on msn while I was waiting to board the plane back to CR. That's good news. We'll now all the details tomorrow.
I wanna be able to look in the mirror just once.
And I'm sorry Henry Miller, but I promise I'll do my best to FORGET MYSELF.
Rat holing for a second here.
So my point is, I almost entirely enjoy that trip, a lot of insecurities surface but I was able to sunk 'em down real quick. Maybe was because I made this trip thinking this was my last real "vacation" before going into business for good.
Still I think I did not put a lot of effort on it and, felt kind of nice to tell you the truth.
The only think I was afraid of was coming back to reality.
But time flies and Shakira sings that, when at least expected, the sun will raise.
I hear that song on the radio today while I was pulling the car out to but some Froyo's Cherry Garcia, and tears came to my eyes... When? Darn it! WHEN????
When would that day be?
Oh just part of my annoying flaw of wanting to have everything under control. -According to the Russian-
My best friend found a new job after 6 months of being on a forced vacations, he told me on msn while I was waiting to board the plane back to CR. That's good news. We'll now all the details tomorrow.
I wanna be able to look in the mirror just once.
And I'm sorry Henry Miller, but I promise I'll do my best to FORGET MYSELF.
6/18/2011
Praying for time
Don't mind me saying that about cracking his skull open and shove the idea of us together into his brain. I know it does not work that way. Again, I'm mad and disappointed right now. I do believe that there are things meant to be, and for those that aren't, there is a very good reason. One of the purposes of human kind is trying to understand that, and be ok with it!.
In top of everything, I had this HUGE fight over email with one of my dearest and oldest friends because of a comment I posted on Facebook after the US "caught" Bin Laden. Don't want to go into details but I was so appalled with the reaction of people that I could not resist making a comment. Him being on the USForce and already served time in Irak and Afganistan looking for Bin Laden, felt insulted and disappointent. I had visited him a few weeks back and there he also told me he was disappointed and expected more from me on that trip. I ended up feeling kind of bad and heartbroken, what exactly was he expecting for me? It has been 20 years since the last time we hang out together, I grew up a completely different person from the 17 year old he used to know. Who knows. Like my Blog friend said: you cannot please everyone. You need to be happy with you.
I went out with my friend Monica last night and we had a great and revealing conversation. She said that if it wasn't for her, we would not go out at all cause I never call her. And that is the way she is, she will rub it on my face everytime she feels like it cause that's the way she is, does not mean she loves me less or that she's mad at me. It's a statement on how she does feel. And she was absolutely right. I told her I was sorry and I will do my best to keep in touch so we can see each other more often. But that also who I am, I don't call people, doesn't mean I don't love my friends, it's just that I'm not a caller. It is what it is you know? I may have a temper, big mouth, weird person but people accept me like that. If I could write down the number of reasons I have been dumped on...If I were that awful, I won't have such great friends, family and people around me that cares. I guess at the end that is what counts. Change has to come from within. If I were a lonely looser without any friends at all, it will be a good idea to look for help and do a 360 change all over. If I wanted to. But it's not my case. I'm sorry I disappointed my friend. I love him so much! even if his idea of me changed. I still will be there for him. Always.
In top of everything, I had this HUGE fight over email with one of my dearest and oldest friends because of a comment I posted on Facebook after the US "caught" Bin Laden. Don't want to go into details but I was so appalled with the reaction of people that I could not resist making a comment. Him being on the USForce and already served time in Irak and Afganistan looking for Bin Laden, felt insulted and disappointent. I had visited him a few weeks back and there he also told me he was disappointed and expected more from me on that trip. I ended up feeling kind of bad and heartbroken, what exactly was he expecting for me? It has been 20 years since the last time we hang out together, I grew up a completely different person from the 17 year old he used to know. Who knows. Like my Blog friend said: you cannot please everyone. You need to be happy with you.
I went out with my friend Monica last night and we had a great and revealing conversation. She said that if it wasn't for her, we would not go out at all cause I never call her. And that is the way she is, she will rub it on my face everytime she feels like it cause that's the way she is, does not mean she loves me less or that she's mad at me. It's a statement on how she does feel. And she was absolutely right. I told her I was sorry and I will do my best to keep in touch so we can see each other more often. But that also who I am, I don't call people, doesn't mean I don't love my friends, it's just that I'm not a caller. It is what it is you know? I may have a temper, big mouth, weird person but people accept me like that. If I could write down the number of reasons I have been dumped on...If I were that awful, I won't have such great friends, family and people around me that cares. I guess at the end that is what counts. Change has to come from within. If I were a lonely looser without any friends at all, it will be a good idea to look for help and do a 360 change all over. If I wanted to. But it's not my case. I'm sorry I disappointed my friend. I love him so much! even if his idea of me changed. I still will be there for him. Always.
6/16/2011
The War of the Worlds
I really don't know what is it about that movie: I can't help it! I have to watch it everytime is on! And as much as I hate Tom Cruise, I actually like him in that movie. It's funny the hiptonic effect it has in me.
So I post something today on my gmail chat (a nickname) as a plea to him: I write "Come back!" I don't know if he can see it or if he even gives a crap, but I do miss him even when I tried not. I think to myself why do I even bother if he is perfectly fine going on with his life? I have bad days and good days. Today I supposed it's a bad day. And I really don't know if I actually want him back, it's been a month and still sucks we are not together anymore.
I went to a fortune teller a month ago: against everything I ever preached and my beliefs (you should know: deep inside I'm a rigid catholic terrify of God's wrath!) I used to make fun of my friends for going to see witches, or have their cards read cause I thought it was BS... funny the things you do when you are desperate. So this is what my inmediate future holds for me:
1. A member of my family will have a quick operation (nothing serious) on the second semester of this year. He told me it was my mom, but I'm sure it was my sister, who already had a bypass earlier this year (nothing serious, an in and out procedure)
2. Business will be good, just look up on suppliers and deadlines. Nothing serious.
3. I'm gonna have a break up caused by a misunderstanding. He's a good guy.
4. I will travel, probably with him, it's a short trip. Probably in 3 months time.
Then he throw the cards again and ask me if I want to know something in particular: I asked about him. He said, not to worry, we will be back together and we will have to be careful and protect ourselves from envy, since what we have is a beautiful thing.
More on the success of my business.
That was a month ago, the same week we broke up. So far, no operations, no phonecalls, the biz has not yet started. The only thing is that I will be traveling to Chicago next Tuesday for a week.
This obviously made MUCH HARDER letting him go, I now face deception with a struggle against that tiny light of hope. It sucks. Try not to believe and fighting the little part of me that is hoping for a turn on events for the best.
Now I think: what if this is destiny pulling a cruel joke on me? What if this guy was only bluffing just to get the payment at the end of the 60 minutes appointment? What if he interpreted something wrong? What if you are vulnerable and really REALLY want to believe what you are hearing? Uuugggh man I wish I just can forget about the whole incident and let him go without making a fool of myself.
That was today. I might write about what I did last week.
I took the decision of retire myself from love: just focusing on my job, travel the world, buy a house and a new car (in that order) and complete forget about meeting anyone or falling in love or any of that crap. Just me. Let the world surprise me, without any expectations. I will not be the person I'm expected to be anymore. I spoke with my dear friend Andrea and God bless her! I'm afraid I may upset her with this new "project". She said that I should not decrete on such harsh statements, that I should be open to what is coming. What if nothing is coming. I know she will find someone, she soooo deserves a good man. As for me... I'm done. I'm tired. I don't think I can go thru another breakup. I don't want to go thru another breakup. And yet, it's so hard tried to convinced myself and getting that new plane inside my skull!!!! I had so many bad experiences that I stop keeping count. The last two (not counting this last one) were HORRIBLE!!!! So I think to myself: haven't you learn the lesson? Why I am so goddamn stubborn and keep looking for love? Maybe I'm not meant to find it. Maybe I'm a horrible person and that's why I keep having this horrible experiences. Maybe I don't deserve it. I hate games: the games you have to play when boy meets girl. Playing hard to get. Don't show too much interest. Make him suffer a little. Remain a mistery, don't reveal too much. Why???? Why can things be as simple as this picture (I'm quoting the movie Singles which I love) and I saw it recently, it was nice cause he gave me this picture too and I used it for a long long time as my symbol. Our symbol:
So I post something today on my gmail chat (a nickname) as a plea to him: I write "Come back!" I don't know if he can see it or if he even gives a crap, but I do miss him even when I tried not. I think to myself why do I even bother if he is perfectly fine going on with his life? I have bad days and good days. Today I supposed it's a bad day. And I really don't know if I actually want him back, it's been a month and still sucks we are not together anymore.
I went to a fortune teller a month ago: against everything I ever preached and my beliefs (you should know: deep inside I'm a rigid catholic terrify of God's wrath!) I used to make fun of my friends for going to see witches, or have their cards read cause I thought it was BS... funny the things you do when you are desperate. So this is what my inmediate future holds for me:
1. A member of my family will have a quick operation (nothing serious) on the second semester of this year. He told me it was my mom, but I'm sure it was my sister, who already had a bypass earlier this year (nothing serious, an in and out procedure)
2. Business will be good, just look up on suppliers and deadlines. Nothing serious.
3. I'm gonna have a break up caused by a misunderstanding. He's a good guy.
4. I will travel, probably with him, it's a short trip. Probably in 3 months time.
Then he throw the cards again and ask me if I want to know something in particular: I asked about him. He said, not to worry, we will be back together and we will have to be careful and protect ourselves from envy, since what we have is a beautiful thing.
More on the success of my business.
That was a month ago, the same week we broke up. So far, no operations, no phonecalls, the biz has not yet started. The only thing is that I will be traveling to Chicago next Tuesday for a week.
This obviously made MUCH HARDER letting him go, I now face deception with a struggle against that tiny light of hope. It sucks. Try not to believe and fighting the little part of me that is hoping for a turn on events for the best.
Now I think: what if this is destiny pulling a cruel joke on me? What if this guy was only bluffing just to get the payment at the end of the 60 minutes appointment? What if he interpreted something wrong? What if you are vulnerable and really REALLY want to believe what you are hearing? Uuugggh man I wish I just can forget about the whole incident and let him go without making a fool of myself.
That was today. I might write about what I did last week.
I took the decision of retire myself from love: just focusing on my job, travel the world, buy a house and a new car (in that order) and complete forget about meeting anyone or falling in love or any of that crap. Just me. Let the world surprise me, without any expectations. I will not be the person I'm expected to be anymore. I spoke with my dear friend Andrea and God bless her! I'm afraid I may upset her with this new "project". She said that I should not decrete on such harsh statements, that I should be open to what is coming. What if nothing is coming. I know she will find someone, she soooo deserves a good man. As for me... I'm done. I'm tired. I don't think I can go thru another breakup. I don't want to go thru another breakup. And yet, it's so hard tried to convinced myself and getting that new plane inside my skull!!!! I had so many bad experiences that I stop keeping count. The last two (not counting this last one) were HORRIBLE!!!! So I think to myself: haven't you learn the lesson? Why I am so goddamn stubborn and keep looking for love? Maybe I'm not meant to find it. Maybe I'm a horrible person and that's why I keep having this horrible experiences. Maybe I don't deserve it. I hate games: the games you have to play when boy meets girl. Playing hard to get. Don't show too much interest. Make him suffer a little. Remain a mistery, don't reveal too much. Why???? Why can things be as simple as this picture (I'm quoting the movie Singles which I love) and I saw it recently, it was nice cause he gave me this picture too and I used it for a long long time as my symbol. Our symbol:
To Russia with love
And as it was with all things, we spoke in rhyme and riddle... not for fear of detection, for that happened very long ago, but rather that those who has secretly wished to be spoken to were...to know that these words were intended for them and theirs only... for lonely isles and windswept curses held the symbols transmitted and divided to hold within, to keep forever... only a warm heart and a knowing smile granting entrance to this mystery... for every age held its oracles and truth tellers, its false bell ringers of alarm, and of course the hollow spectres of complacency... so in this we sing the true echoes, sown of old cloth, born to stare, so ravaged by all they see... because truth is madness and madness truly revealed, and too see is always to see much...
I wish I wrote this but I did not. This is from Billy Corgan; a dear friend of mine from down under sent it to me long ago. I just love it!!!
About and beyond
I was not sure about starting a blog cause the first idea came when I just broke up with someone. My first thought was to write about him. And I'm still back and forth on that. For now, I won't cause this should me about me, and only me. At the end, "me" is the only thing I have. I mean, don't mean to be ungrateful: I have great friends, great family, a dream job (or at least the job I wished for a very long time) but, something is missing. Or something was missing. From now on, I will quote Henry Miller everytime I catch myself wandering around:
"Develop interest in life as you see it, in people, in things, literature, music. The world is so rich, simply trobbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. FORGET YOURSELF"
So that's the secret I think and my new motto: FORGET YOURSELF! I've wasted so many time asking questions, wrong question and I'm so tired!. I even sent a message to my ex boyfriend (my only official boyfriend ever) asking him if I was worth it. I was so mad when he replied back; not because he said something wrong, it was because I realized that was a stupid question to ask to beging with. I did thank him for taking the time and write that long message to confort me. Unfortunately it did not work. From now on, I will let the word surprise me, no more expectations!!!!!!
Anyway, with that being said: let me begin by telling you I'm 37 years old, single and with no intentions of changing that status ever again. I'M DONE!!!!!
I was walking my dog Troya last night (Troya is a street dog that truly can tell her Cinderella story, I adopted her 2 years ago and I honestly believe she did save my life in many many ways) and I figure the best way to describe my long history of relationship (or how men see me): Think of me as Jurassic Park: at first glance everything is OOOHHHH AAAAHHH WOOOOW!!! but then, it's screaming, crying and running for your life (I have never dumped anyone in my life, EVER!)
Too pathetic? Think again, I believe at this point I need to have a sense of humor about it.
"Develop interest in life as you see it, in people, in things, literature, music. The world is so rich, simply trobbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. FORGET YOURSELF"
So that's the secret I think and my new motto: FORGET YOURSELF! I've wasted so many time asking questions, wrong question and I'm so tired!. I even sent a message to my ex boyfriend (my only official boyfriend ever) asking him if I was worth it. I was so mad when he replied back; not because he said something wrong, it was because I realized that was a stupid question to ask to beging with. I did thank him for taking the time and write that long message to confort me. Unfortunately it did not work. From now on, I will let the word surprise me, no more expectations!!!!!!
Anyway, with that being said: let me begin by telling you I'm 37 years old, single and with no intentions of changing that status ever again. I'M DONE!!!!!
I was walking my dog Troya last night (Troya is a street dog that truly can tell her Cinderella story, I adopted her 2 years ago and I honestly believe she did save my life in many many ways) and I figure the best way to describe my long history of relationship (or how men see me): Think of me as Jurassic Park: at first glance everything is OOOHHHH AAAAHHH WOOOOW!!! but then, it's screaming, crying and running for your life (I have never dumped anyone in my life, EVER!)
Too pathetic? Think again, I believe at this point I need to have a sense of humor about it.
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