So I post something today on my gmail chat (a nickname) as a plea to him: I write "Come back!" I don't know if he can see it or if he even gives a crap, but I do miss him even when I tried not. I think to myself why do I even bother if he is perfectly fine going on with his life? I have bad days and good days. Today I supposed it's a bad day. And I really don't know if I actually want him back, it's been a month and still sucks we are not together anymore.
I went to a fortune teller a month ago: against everything I ever preached and my beliefs (you should know: deep inside I'm a rigid catholic terrify of God's wrath!) I used to make fun of my friends for going to see witches, or have their cards read cause I thought it was BS... funny the things you do when you are desperate. So this is what my inmediate future holds for me:
1. A member of my family will have a quick operation (nothing serious) on the second semester of this year. He told me it was my mom, but I'm sure it was my sister, who already had a bypass earlier this year (nothing serious, an in and out procedure)
2. Business will be good, just look up on suppliers and deadlines. Nothing serious.
3. I'm gonna have a break up caused by a misunderstanding. He's a good guy.
4. I will travel, probably with him, it's a short trip. Probably in 3 months time.
Then he throw the cards again and ask me if I want to know something in particular: I asked about him. He said, not to worry, we will be back together and we will have to be careful and protect ourselves from envy, since what we have is a beautiful thing.
More on the success of my business.
That was a month ago, the same week we broke up. So far, no operations, no phonecalls, the biz has not yet started. The only thing is that I will be traveling to Chicago next Tuesday for a week.
This obviously made MUCH HARDER letting him go, I now face deception with a struggle against that tiny light of hope. It sucks. Try not to believe and fighting the little part of me that is hoping for a turn on events for the best.
Now I think: what if this is destiny pulling a cruel joke on me? What if this guy was only bluffing just to get the payment at the end of the 60 minutes appointment? What if he interpreted something wrong? What if you are vulnerable and really REALLY want to believe what you are hearing? Uuugggh man I wish I just can forget about the whole incident and let him go without making a fool of myself.
That was today. I might write about what I did last week.
I took the decision of retire myself from love: just focusing on my job, travel the world, buy a house and a new car (in that order) and complete forget about meeting anyone or falling in love or any of that crap. Just me. Let the world surprise me, without any expectations. I will not be the person I'm expected to be anymore. I spoke with my dear friend Andrea and God bless her! I'm afraid I may upset her with this new "project". She said that I should not decrete on such harsh statements, that I should be open to what is coming. What if nothing is coming. I know she will find someone, she soooo deserves a good man. As for me... I'm done. I'm tired. I don't think I can go thru another breakup. I don't want to go thru another breakup. And yet, it's so hard tried to convinced myself and getting that new plane inside my skull!!!! I had so many bad experiences that I stop keeping count. The last two (not counting this last one) were HORRIBLE!!!! So I think to myself: haven't you learn the lesson? Why I am so goddamn stubborn and keep looking for love? Maybe I'm not meant to find it. Maybe I'm a horrible person and that's why I keep having this horrible experiences. Maybe I don't deserve it. I hate games: the games you have to play when boy meets girl. Playing hard to get. Don't show too much interest. Make him suffer a little. Remain a mistery, don't reveal too much. Why???? Why can things be as simple as this picture (I'm quoting the movie Singles which I love) and I saw it recently, it was nice cause he gave me this picture too and I used it for a long long time as my symbol. Our symbol:
Never give up on love, ever! Because that's the moment love gives up on you. I agree with Andrea its never good to make decisions set in stone,but I know after being hurt by love it can feel like enough is enough. Maybe just have a time-out to concentrate on you which is always needed after a break up. Just some you time. I'm 4 months into my me time. So much of what you feel and have done I've done too after a break up. I said ditto in my mind so many times while reading.
ReplyDeleteSorry for this reply I know you're not asking for advise. Just after you had shared so much I felt compelled to share my thoughts with you (and the world now I guess).
Thanks again SO MUCH for your kind words: you have no idea how much I appreciate you wanted to share/advice on this. I had my heart broken so many times that my friends don't even pay attention anymore. I guess they think I'm strong and I will be ok. I always end up being ok. But from time to time is nice to hear a lulaby you know? That everything is gonna be allright. Anyway, I'm having bad days I guess, I wish I can crack his skull open and shove the idea of us together into his brain... aaaarrrggghhh. And you are right, I need me time now, and understand , as I always had, that time heals everything. I'm so mad and disapointed right now. Thank you again, really! and keep listening :)
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